Category: Personal

I never realized how much I gave up… how much I had changed to integrate the team. I had fallen into the everyday motions and routines, the what I should do vs what I deeply wanted to do. It’s sad, but 12 beers down and feeling pretty buzzed it all came crashing into place. Through the tears, the much needed dancing, and just being held by someone who cared deeply. Let me tell you… my friends are the absolute best! They knew what I needed, even though I had no idea. They knew I needed to dance, to 2-step and swing, and just feel like someone loved me and cared. They knows I needed a hug and pep talk and know that I’m not alone through this crazy separation. I can’t even fathom! Someone was using them to show me everything I needed to see.

So here it is… post-buzz, real life, understanding! I FOUND myself! I never realized I was truly lost, but gee… it all sank in. I remember the girl I was 10 years ago and she came home. The confidence, the sass, the attitude, the control, the girl who wants to dance the night away, the one girl who will dance on a table top and not care, the girl who is so happy with herself and genuinely enjoys life, the one who’s willing to fight for what she wants, the one who would listen to anyone’s story and instantly try to make things better, the girl who gave everyone a chance, and the girl who never needed a man.

Welcome home babe! Back to me and if it wasn’t for the separation I never even would have realized! Sorry but I am an awesome woman, a fantastic freaking cook, a multitasker, I’m hella smart, I work my ass off, I’m willing to go to the next level with a chance, I am a freaking awesome wife, I’m kind and loving and caring! I have a fucking real and awesome personality! I love to dance, to interact, to try some new things, and my aspirations are real! I am a bomb planner, a dynamite kisser, and a southern sass attitude! I will break down a gun faster than a man, I’ll hunt and fish, I love my kayak, I love to dive and explore and be so adventurous! I love vacations and exotic adventures! I have this goal-getter attitude and I absolutely have a huge and forgiving heart.! So yeah! I’m a damn hella good catch and ANY man should feel lucky to even be with me!

I determined over the time that I need to be treated better, this whole thing wasn’t my fault, and I’m not the one giving up and running the hell away! Don’t get me wrong, I’m human and mistakes aren’t bound to be made. I’m bound to have a boat-load if imperfections and flaws, but I’m perfectly imperfect! I deserve the man who will stop on the highway, pick the prettiest flowers and bring them to me. I deserve the man who will clean (cause I don’t like to lol) and will be my partner in crime. I deserve the man who will drop EVERYTHING and treat me like a queen on a freaking thrown who rules his world . I deserve a man who would think of me and care for me first and foremost, who would remain faithful and not hurt me! I deserve the man who will build me up and not push me down. The man who won’t lie, cheat, or steal. The man who is willing to help and has a huge kind heart, a man that will be an amazing father and raise any child. I deserve the man who treats me respectfully and communicates openly. I deserve the man who will lay down his life and protect me, who will do whatever it takes. I deserve the man who will give me a massage and tell me how gorgeous I am every day. A man who loves to surprise me with a trip or plan something fun and spontaneous and never quit dating me (even after married 50 years). I need a man with patience, understanding, tenderness, brute strength, and will rock the damn wranglers. The guy who is a southern gentleman and forever loves. I mean gee! If I give you 100% you’re a luck motherfucker! I deserve 100% back!

I know who I am, what I deserve, and I refuse to settle. I’m done letting someone think that they have control. You’re funny. I found my strength so say goodbye! ONLY I can make myself feel inferior or cry. I have total control of myself, my emotions, and my thoughts. Sorry not sorry. Don’t like it, move along and don’t waste my time. I AM an AMAZING person inside and out so it’s your loss if I get away!

Anywho I realized how lost I was and the true me came home! that’s what matters. I gained my full control again. No more tears, no more worrying. Sorry grown ass man, you figure your fuck-ups out and face the music. That’s my thought. I’m perfectly fine taking my sexy self out, making love to myself, having a baby alone (or twins.. that could be fun!), rocking my career, and forever kickin ass. If you can’t handle that, sorry bout cha! I’m not gunna bail you out anymore… you make the bed and lay in it is all I can say!

I’m just beyond lucky that God had a plan and totally knew what I needed before I even fathomed it. He sure works in mysterious ways and he sure kills it. I’m just thankful and blessed.

Easiest wrap up? The bitch is back, ready to party, and in FULL total control. I don’t need a man to dictate my life or feelings. This… this is me!

Put on those nice clothes, whatever makes you feel nice, and take yourself out. Go out by yourself, or with a friend. Take the time to treat yourself.. You deserve it. Tonight, I’m putting on the fancy jeans that enhance my booty (instant confidence!), a nice western shirt, some boots, and a little bit of sass. I even busted out my favorite perfume. I refuse to let these depressed feelings keep me down. I’m strong, independent, and confident. I keep repeating these positives and tossing the negative out the window… Let’s talk about that..

We are programmed, as a society, to see and feel and say the negativity first.. So how do you conquer those negatives? Write it down, flip it into a positive, say it 3 times, and crumble that paper and throw it away! Confused? Let me give you an example. The negative thought that has been on my mind “I’m not worth it” so I flip that “I AM WORTH IT! I AM SEXY! I AM CONFIDENT AND GORGEOUS! I AM WORTHY! I CAN CONQUER! I AM WORTH IT!” Of course I always add a bit more because it helps me… But you’ve got the jist :). So take yourself out! You deserve it! Who cares where you go… Just go! Take a break and go! Take a staycation, a night out on the town, treat yourself to that new movie, a play, a road trip… Just get out and experience your best life :).

I’m staying with a friend and it’s so quiet I don’t even know how to feel. I’ve never felt so alone here in this moment and realizing all the rollercoaster track I’ve yet to ride. I haven’t slept in a day and a half.. and I’m just wide awake and full of emotion. For the first time, I can’t even cook myself dinner, I can’t manage to eat… I can’t even look at food truthfully. My whole life just feels in turmoil. Thankfully, I had a friend call me, talk to me for hours so I wouldn’t feel alone.. I couldn’t even tell you what all we talked about, but I know it was nice to just have someone listen and not judge me. As I realize my contacts are still at the house because I rushed out… josh lets me know he’s at the house. I just have to keep my composure… I just need to stick with the mission.

I get to the house and cry a little as I pull in… I open the door and my dogs just smile and greet me, I swear they understand… I grab my contacts and shoes and josh talks to me… oh the overwhelming emotion of him talking.. I just lose myself. I find myself, my body, just wanting to whisk him away and go back to normal. I just find my whole being begging for his touch. We kiss and I get chills, I still get those fluttering butterflies… and I feel my heart just reminding me of everything and all my love for him. I just got lost… everything is a blur… but I overstepped the boundary because I just wanted him to hold me more… to tell me he loves me and things are going to really be ok… but I still feel his pushing away. It’s so hard to leave when everything you want is just right in front of you.. I mean he just touches me and I feel the chills, my body yearning for more…. I feel home… I feel safe… but the time ends and I just try to stay strong… all I can think about is “don’t cry, don’t let his see how much you’re broken.” Yet the walk to the car was the longest and I cried the entire way.

This whole situation is hard… it’s tough to deal with… emotionally, physically, mentally… Is there a rewind button ?

Back to the quiet house I go… the house where I literally sit and just think… I get to be alone with myself, my emotions, my thoughts. I finally take medicine, breathe, and lie down… I don’t even remember falling asleep but it felt so good.. one minute I’m responding to texts, looking through my photos, and the next I’m in a dream state and a friend calls me just to check on me and tell me that I need to stay positive. The whole conversation is like a dream though, it’s weird… and then the weird things started… I must have fallen back asleep… because I started a dream… I was in Florida… walking the beach, walking this pier.. and a man, dressed in black, comes to me. He hugs me and tells me things, explains it’s all for love, and pushes me off the long pier into the choppy water. Instant blackness… when I snap awake, I was paralyzed, screaming murder, and didn’t know where I was… panic attack! This is the 3rd panic attack I’ve had in my lifetime… I was paralyzed… I laid there trying so hard to get my composure and just comprehend what was happening. I had meant to text my sister and instead reached for Josh.., why do I keep breaking these rules if separation?! I just am terrible at this! All I want to do is see him run into the room hold me and tell me I’m ok… but instead… I get a pillow.. I curl up and just hold myself and rock myself in bed. This being alone isn’t easy… these dreams come back, varying slightly; but all with the same result of blackness and end with a panic attack… it’s 3 AM and I’ve had 3 just tonight since 10 PM. They can just go away now please….

This has to be one of the toughest nights I’ve faced thus far… I am just over this… hopefully the next few nights are calmer…

L