Categories
Personal

Finding Myself

I never realized how much I gave up… how much I had changed to integrate the team. I had fallen into the everyday motions and routines, the what I should do vs what I deeply wanted to do. It’s sad, but 12 beers down and feeling pretty buzzed it all came crashing into place. Through the tears, the much needed dancing, and just being held by someone who cared deeply. Let me tell you… my friends are the absolute best! They knew what I needed, even though I had no idea. They knew I needed to dance, to 2-step and swing, and just feel like someone loved me and cared. They knows I needed a hug and pep talk and know that I’m not alone through this crazy separation. I can’t even fathom! Someone was using them to show me everything I needed to see.

So here it is… post-buzz, real life, understanding! I FOUND myself! I never realized I was truly lost, but gee… it all sank in. I remember the girl I was 10 years ago and she came home. The confidence, the sass, the attitude, the control, the girl who wants to dance the night away, the one girl who will dance on a table top and not care, the girl who is so happy with herself and genuinely enjoys life, the one who’s willing to fight for what she wants, the one who would listen to anyone’s story and instantly try to make things better, the girl who gave everyone a chance, and the girl who never needed a man.

Welcome home babe! Back to me and if it wasn’t for the separation I never even would have realized! Sorry but I am an awesome woman, a fantastic freaking cook, a multitasker, I’m hella smart, I work my ass off, I’m willing to go to the next level with a chance, I am a freaking awesome wife, I’m kind and loving and caring! I have a fucking real and awesome personality! I love to dance, to interact, to try some new things, and my aspirations are real! I am a bomb planner, a dynamite kisser, and a southern sass attitude! I will break down a gun faster than a man, I’ll hunt and fish, I love my kayak, I love to dive and explore and be so adventurous! I love vacations and exotic adventures! I have this goal-getter attitude and I absolutely have a huge and forgiving heart.! So yeah! I’m a damn hella good catch and ANY man should feel lucky to even be with me!

I determined over the time that I need to be treated better, this whole thing wasn’t my fault, and I’m not the one giving up and running the hell away! Don’t get me wrong, I’m human and mistakes aren’t bound to be made. I’m bound to have a boat-load if imperfections and flaws, but I’m perfectly imperfect! I deserve the man who will stop on the highway, pick the prettiest flowers and bring them to me. I deserve the man who will clean (cause I don’t like to lol) and will be my partner in crime. I deserve the man who will drop EVERYTHING and treat me like a queen on a freaking thrown who rules his world . I deserve a man who would think of me and care for me first and foremost, who would remain faithful and not hurt me! I deserve the man who will build me up and not push me down. The man who won’t lie, cheat, or steal. The man who is willing to help and has a huge kind heart, a man that will be an amazing father and raise any child. I deserve the man who treats me respectfully and communicates openly. I deserve the man who will lay down his life and protect me, who will do whatever it takes. I deserve the man who will give me a massage and tell me how gorgeous I am every day. A man who loves to surprise me with a trip or plan something fun and spontaneous and never quit dating me (even after married 50 years). I need a man with patience, understanding, tenderness, brute strength, and will rock the damn wranglers. The guy who is a southern gentleman and forever loves. I mean gee! If I give you 100% you’re a luck motherfucker! I deserve 100% back!

I know who I am, what I deserve, and I refuse to settle. I’m done letting someone think that they have control. You’re funny. I found my strength so say goodbye! ONLY I can make myself feel inferior or cry. I have total control of myself, my emotions, and my thoughts. Sorry not sorry. Don’t like it, move along and don’t waste my time. I AM an AMAZING person inside and out so it’s your loss if I get away!

Anywho I realized how lost I was and the true me came home! that’s what matters. I gained my full control again. No more tears, no more worrying. Sorry grown ass man, you figure your fuck-ups out and face the music. That’s my thought. I’m perfectly fine taking my sexy self out, making love to myself, having a baby alone (or twins.. that could be fun!), rocking my career, and forever kickin ass. If you can’t handle that, sorry bout cha! I’m not gunna bail you out anymore… you make the bed and lay in it is all I can say!

I’m just beyond lucky that God had a plan and totally knew what I needed before I even fathomed it. He sure works in mysterious ways and he sure kills it. I’m just thankful and blessed.

Easiest wrap up? The bitch is back, ready to party, and in FULL total control. I don’t need a man to dictate my life or feelings. This… this is me!

Categories
fertility

You’re Not Alone

Yep… You’re not alone… SO I knew that I wasn’t alone fighting the infertility battle… but to open up, to show your emotion, to be raw, and meet someone who does the same is a whole new emotion. I went to my Doctor today and his nurse checks in and confirms why I am in the office. I just lay it out… I lay out my story, my 10 years of no baby, 7 of seriously trying, PCOS, infertility, marriage.. just everything! She looks at me as shes 6 months pregnant with her first baby, and tells me I’m not alone… We teared up together as she explained 6 doctors later and no one could find her left overy or fallopian tube. That she suffered on her own for 3 years trying and finally decided to reach out for help. She got her referral to the clinic at OU for infertility and explained that the place, the doctors, the PA’s, everyone is great and treats you like a family member and not a number. While the cost is high, how much are you willing to pay to have a baby? What point do you draw the line? All of those personal choices. She ended up having the test where they do the dye in your ovaries with a medicine that increases the egg supply and ended up pregnant the week after the dye test.. While she was on vacation… Talk about hope… We talked about her 6 IUI procedures and how IVF was her next option. We talked about the struggle and strain on marriages and partners… We talked about all of those things that it’s hard to face alone. It’s amazing to me to have connected with someone my age and who has faced a similar struggle. To really know you’re not alone is a whole other feeling… And once you realize that, you realize it’s more common of a struggle than you ever thought. SO don’t feel alone… Because you’re not! And you never know who is struggling beside you and, like you, isn’t talking to anyone. Be open, your journey is your own.. Your struggle is unique, yet sometimes similar.. SO what’s your story? What’s your struggle with infertility (you or even your partner)? What’s your successes? I’m here. I am fighting beside you. I’m going through this journey too. Today is day 1 of many, but we’ve got this!

Categories
Personal

Take Your Time

Put on those nice clothes, whatever makes you feel nice, and take yourself out. Go out by yourself, or with a friend. Take the time to treat yourself.. You deserve it. Tonight, I’m putting on the fancy jeans that enhance my booty (instant confidence!), a nice western shirt, some boots, and a little bit of sass. I even busted out my favorite perfume. I refuse to let these depressed feelings keep me down. I’m strong, independent, and confident. I keep repeating these positives and tossing the negative out the window… Let’s talk about that..

We are programmed, as a society, to see and feel and say the negativity first.. So how do you conquer those negatives? Write it down, flip it into a positive, say it 3 times, and crumble that paper and throw it away! Confused? Let me give you an example. The negative thought that has been on my mind “I’m not worth it” so I flip that “I AM WORTH IT! I AM SEXY! I AM CONFIDENT AND GORGEOUS! I AM WORTHY! I CAN CONQUER! I AM WORTH IT!” Of course I always add a bit more because it helps me… But you’ve got the jist :). So take yourself out! You deserve it! Who cares where you go… Just go! Take a break and go! Take a staycation, a night out on the town, treat yourself to that new movie, a play, a road trip… Just get out and experience your best life :).

Categories
fertility pcos

Don’t Blame Yourself

Seriously… I’ve been there, I am there… PCOS has caused me to hate myself, to blame myself, and sometimes I’m sure it caused my husband to blame me…

The truth is… YOU are not to blame… Your BODY has failed you! You’re amazing whether you know it or not! But sometimes our bodies just fail us. It’s NOT your fault. Yes I know it’s hard to understand… hard to process but seriously don’t blame yourself. You can’t control that part of your body, that’s like thinking you can control if you’re born a girl or boy when you’re conceived. It’s taken me years to realize this… and I STILL struggle with it. If you’re a partner, don’t blame your partner for this… as the person effected by PCOS I can tell you that I put enough pressure on myself and my body. I beat myself up regularly because I suffer with PCOS. Not being able to get pregnant at the drop of a hat is enough suffering I put myself in. Watching my friends and family have children of their own, announce their pregnancies, record their gender reveals, post new born pictures… that’s enough pain I subject myself to… I don’t need your pressure, I don’t need you to rub it in, I don’t need you to blame me because he’s, it is my body… but I can’t just snap my fingers and make it happen. That’s the truth. It’s hard enough dealing with it on my own. I’m hard enough on myself! Please understand that this isn’t easy… it’s hard… it’s hard to be in the 10% who struggle, who are different, and yet are sometimes the ones who truly deserve to be a parent. Honestly, have you ever thought about that? Some of the people having kids left and right (like seriously a guy sneezes on her and she’s pregnant!) are the ones who are on welfare, can’t hold a job, and/or don’t contribute to society… but I was taught that the best things are the hardest to get, they’re different from everything else, and they’re worth the wait. While I know it’s hard to hold the faith… it’s hard to keep the positivity alive.. sometimes it’s the best thing you can do. Trust me, I’m writing this and saying it out loud to myself. You’re not alone… I’m in your shoes walking side by side with you… and I completely understand what you’re going through! We have to stay proactive and keep the hope! We got this babes!

Categories
Personal

A Rough Night

I’m staying with a friend and it’s so quiet I don’t even know how to feel. I’ve never felt so alone here in this moment and realizing all the rollercoaster track I’ve yet to ride. I haven’t slept in a day and a half.. and I’m just wide awake and full of emotion. For the first time, I can’t even cook myself dinner, I can’t manage to eat… I can’t even look at food truthfully. My whole life just feels in turmoil. Thankfully, I had a friend call me, talk to me for hours so I wouldn’t feel alone.. I couldn’t even tell you what all we talked about, but I know it was nice to just have someone listen and not judge me. As I realize my contacts are still at the house because I rushed out… josh lets me know he’s at the house. I just have to keep my composure… I just need to stick with the mission.

I get to the house and cry a little as I pull in… I open the door and my dogs just smile and greet me, I swear they understand… I grab my contacts and shoes and josh talks to me… oh the overwhelming emotion of him talking.. I just lose myself. I find myself, my body, just wanting to whisk him away and go back to normal. I just find my whole being begging for his touch. We kiss and I get chills, I still get those fluttering butterflies… and I feel my heart just reminding me of everything and all my love for him. I just got lost… everything is a blur… but I overstepped the boundary because I just wanted him to hold me more… to tell me he loves me and things are going to really be ok… but I still feel his pushing away. It’s so hard to leave when everything you want is just right in front of you.. I mean he just touches me and I feel the chills, my body yearning for more…. I feel home… I feel safe… but the time ends and I just try to stay strong… all I can think about is “don’t cry, don’t let his see how much you’re broken.” Yet the walk to the car was the longest and I cried the entire way.

This whole situation is hard… it’s tough to deal with… emotionally, physically, mentally… Is there a rewind button ?

Back to the quiet house I go… the house where I literally sit and just think… I get to be alone with myself, my emotions, my thoughts. I finally take medicine, breathe, and lie down… I don’t even remember falling asleep but it felt so good.. one minute I’m responding to texts, looking through my photos, and the next I’m in a dream state and a friend calls me just to check on me and tell me that I need to stay positive. The whole conversation is like a dream though, it’s weird… and then the weird things started… I must have fallen back asleep… because I started a dream… I was in Florida… walking the beach, walking this pier.. and a man, dressed in black, comes to me. He hugs me and tells me things, explains it’s all for love, and pushes me off the long pier into the choppy water. Instant blackness… when I snap awake, I was paralyzed, screaming murder, and didn’t know where I was… panic attack! This is the 3rd panic attack I’ve had in my lifetime… I was paralyzed… I laid there trying so hard to get my composure and just comprehend what was happening. I had meant to text my sister and instead reached for Josh.., why do I keep breaking these rules if separation?! I just am terrible at this! All I want to do is see him run into the room hold me and tell me I’m ok… but instead… I get a pillow.. I curl up and just hold myself and rock myself in bed. This being alone isn’t easy… these dreams come back, varying slightly; but all with the same result of blackness and end with a panic attack… it’s 3 AM and I’ve had 3 just tonight since 10 PM. They can just go away now please….

This has to be one of the toughest nights I’ve faced thus far… I am just over this… hopefully the next few nights are calmer…

L

Categories
marriage

Separation

This… this may be the hardest post to talk about.. They always say if you love something to set it free and if it comes back, it’s meant to be… However this this is hard, this has to be the hardest moment I’ve had to deal with…

My husband… he’s my best friend! And now I can’t call him, text him, email him… I’m supposed to just handle it all alone. It hard to not reach out because he’s been my rock, my best friend… it’s like staring at the ice cream and being told to watch it melt and never touch it! Like hellllo I’m a fat kid and I wanna eat that ice cream! I talked to him multiple times a day and now, I just stay silent. I keep the doctor results, the questions, the emotions, the things that have been happening in my life all to myself. So the joy I wanted to share? Nah… The moment I needed to vent? I just scream outside… I couldn’t call him… I couldn’t even ask for him to hold me as I’m bawling…. this this is the hardest thing…

You never realize how much someone is integrated into your life… until the moment they basically aren’t. You don’t realize how much you love their presence, their smell, their voice, or their touch. You don’t think about the everyday impact they have on your emotions or mental well being. It’s truly amazing how much you grow accustomed to and don’t realize that you take for granted until it’s no longer there. As I lie here curled up with my husbands blanket and everyday pillow… just to have his scent, that little piece of something that gives you a hint of their presence or sense of ‘home.’ It’s like that little thing that calms you and gives you the peace to actually rest. Your emotions are just a mess… I mean our wedding song came on the radio and while I couldn’t change the song, my whole composure fell apart… I just broke down…

I apologize for the blog being so raw, so real, and just blunt.. but that’s me and this is just my journey. Something hit me today that I never would have seen coming. I had to go to the house, since I’ve been staying with a friend, and pick up some essentials for the time being of the separation. I sat down on the couch… and lost it… looking around, having a flood of memories and thoughts.. with the back of my mind realization that my whole world is changing and crashing… everything that I love, that I care for is currently in flux. I couldn’t contain the hysterical ugly cry… I’m glad it was just me and the dogs because I couldn’t contain myself… my mind was just bombarded with the thoughts of the recent cruise, the vacations we had taken, the love we had made, the marriage and life we had built… it just hit me like a big yellow school bus. I just showered, grabbed my things, sat down to catch a breath, and left. I could bare to sit there and face the reality… face the fact that there’s a huge possibility that he decides to move on… You know the song by George Strait “Give it Away”.. well it finally all made sense! It was just difficult… it all feels like this terrible nightmare and I’m just stuck… I can’t manage to wake myself up.

Categories
marriage pcos

Marriage and PCOS

So let’s just jump right in… I’ve been with my husband since 2010… We have tried to conceive the natural way, waiting on God’s plan… Yet here we are with no baby 10 years later and a stressed marriage. They say infertility is one of the hardest struggles you’ll ever face in life… They don’t lie. It has been the number one cause of divorces, separations, and endless crying. We have waited patiently watching others have babies and move along, yet here we are… baby-less and depressed… Or maybe that’s just my opinion. Recently, my husband asked to separate until he can analyze what he wants. He wants a biological child (as do I), but you see.. that’s already fallen back on me because I have yet to have a baby… I’ve suffered through the depression, the blame, the heartbreak (because we don’t talk about the negative pregnancy tests), and the emotional toll. It’s not like you want to walk up to your partner and say “sorry babe, I’m a failure.. my body is a failure… I’m trying!” everyday.. Instead you bottle it up, cry yourself to sleep and pray that your partner won’t lose faith in you. The endless nights I didn’t feel intimate because I just told myself how terrible of a wife I am because I’m not pregnant or I was deeply depressed and silently waiting for help. We don’t do those things… we just lay there and cry and pretend we’re not upset. We bear the burden alone, with fear that your partner will run the other way in disappointment.

Welp… I’m there! The separation feels like this gut wrenching, ultimate fuck you you’re def not good enough. Sorry your only one real hope in life was to have a baby.. sucks to be you.

Anywho… what my husband didn’t know before asking for this was that I was talking to a fertility doctor… A 6 month waiting period and my appointment is now just 2 months away! I get poked and prodded tomorrow for preliminary testing and a new doctor recommendation for a guy who specializes with PCOS.. and yeah you had to have a recommendation! I have a 3rd doctor appointment in 2 weeks to really get jiggy with this trying to pregnant and I’m excited… 3 doctors on my case and I’m bound to atleast have hope! Even if things don’t work out.. I will go it alone. I’m determined.. I have faith and while I would truthfully ask my husband to be the father as I try.. I’d never force him.

I love him so much… like PB & J love.. Like Romeo and Juliet… I just don’t know how to explain everything to him.. Ya know? I don’t want to see him run away, but I also know that I deserve someone who truly loves me and won’t leave me at the first hiccup in life… I just don’t know.. Anywho, I’m getting to the point I’m rambling, so I’m going to mosey on and post later (daily atleast as I go through my journey). ❤

Categories
pcos

PCOS

So let’s talk about PCOS… For those who don’t know, PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom. I was diagnosed at age 16, after they tested me from a rape case (long story). That was my first trip to the OBGYN.. talk about memorable!

Anyhow, let’s get with it… PCOS is pretty common, effecting 1 in 10 women. PCOS is linked to infertility, irregular cycles, hormonal imbalances, obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, depression, and even more. Talk about crazy! I have some extra hair on my chin thanks to PCOS and I have to make sure I pluck or shave those bad boys down before I start looking half-man… GEE! So PCOS is linked to many metabolic problems, thyroid issues, and for sure the hormone imbalances. That pretty much covers the basics.. now to get more real.

My PCOS has been the spawn of the devil.. The cramps are terrible, the stress is terrible, I get migraines from hormone imbalances, predicting my ovulation is like trying to predict the weather in Oklahoma. This has led to so many more issues and problems along the wonderful way. I was diagnosed young and told that it would be practically impossible to lose weight and that having a baby would be a struggle.. This will lead us to Part 2.

Categories
Uncategorized

My First Blog Post

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.

Categories
Uncategorized

Hello World!

Hello and welcome to my life… Let me introduce myself. My name is Jordan and I’m a married 27 year old. Sounds pretty normal right? Wrong… I’m a struggling woman, like most women… I have PCOS so I struggle with infertility, I have a full time career as an Engineer, and I’ve been married since 2013. That’s just the tidbits, but I plan on being real personal as the blog slowly grows.