Category: pcos

Categories
fertility pcos

Don’t Blame Yourself

Seriously… I’ve been there, I am there… PCOS has caused me to hate myself, to blame myself, and sometimes I’m sure it caused my husband to blame me…

The truth is… YOU are not to blame… Your BODY has failed you! You’re amazing whether you know it or not! But sometimes our bodies just fail us. It’s NOT your fault. Yes I know it’s hard to understand… hard to process but seriously don’t blame yourself. You can’t control that part of your body, that’s like thinking you can control if you’re born a girl or boy when you’re conceived. It’s taken me years to realize this… and I STILL struggle with it. If you’re a partner, don’t blame your partner for this… as the person effected by PCOS I can tell you that I put enough pressure on myself and my body. I beat myself up regularly because I suffer with PCOS. Not being able to get pregnant at the drop of a hat is enough suffering I put myself in. Watching my friends and family have children of their own, announce their pregnancies, record their gender reveals, post new born pictures… that’s enough pain I subject myself to… I don’t need your pressure, I don’t need you to rub it in, I don’t need you to blame me because he’s, it is my body… but I can’t just snap my fingers and make it happen. That’s the truth. It’s hard enough dealing with it on my own. I’m hard enough on myself! Please understand that this isn’t easy… it’s hard… it’s hard to be in the 10% who struggle, who are different, and yet are sometimes the ones who truly deserve to be a parent. Honestly, have you ever thought about that? Some of the people having kids left and right (like seriously a guy sneezes on her and she’s pregnant!) are the ones who are on welfare, can’t hold a job, and/or don’t contribute to society… but I was taught that the best things are the hardest to get, they’re different from everything else, and they’re worth the wait. While I know it’s hard to hold the faith… it’s hard to keep the positivity alive.. sometimes it’s the best thing you can do. Trust me, I’m writing this and saying it out loud to myself. You’re not alone… I’m in your shoes walking side by side with you… and I completely understand what you’re going through! We have to stay proactive and keep the hope! We got this babes!

Categories
marriage pcos

Marriage and PCOS

So let’s just jump right in… I’ve been with my husband since 2010… We have tried to conceive the natural way, waiting on God’s plan… Yet here we are with no baby 10 years later and a stressed marriage. They say infertility is one of the hardest struggles you’ll ever face in life… They don’t lie. It has been the number one cause of divorces, separations, and endless crying. We have waited patiently watching others have babies and move along, yet here we are… baby-less and depressed… Or maybe that’s just my opinion. Recently, my husband asked to separate until he can analyze what he wants. He wants a biological child (as do I), but you see.. that’s already fallen back on me because I have yet to have a baby… I’ve suffered through the depression, the blame, the heartbreak (because we don’t talk about the negative pregnancy tests), and the emotional toll. It’s not like you want to walk up to your partner and say “sorry babe, I’m a failure.. my body is a failure… I’m trying!” everyday.. Instead you bottle it up, cry yourself to sleep and pray that your partner won’t lose faith in you. The endless nights I didn’t feel intimate because I just told myself how terrible of a wife I am because I’m not pregnant or I was deeply depressed and silently waiting for help. We don’t do those things… we just lay there and cry and pretend we’re not upset. We bear the burden alone, with fear that your partner will run the other way in disappointment.

Welp… I’m there! The separation feels like this gut wrenching, ultimate fuck you you’re def not good enough. Sorry your only one real hope in life was to have a baby.. sucks to be you.

Anywho… what my husband didn’t know before asking for this was that I was talking to a fertility doctor… A 6 month waiting period and my appointment is now just 2 months away! I get poked and prodded tomorrow for preliminary testing and a new doctor recommendation for a guy who specializes with PCOS.. and yeah you had to have a recommendation! I have a 3rd doctor appointment in 2 weeks to really get jiggy with this trying to pregnant and I’m excited… 3 doctors on my case and I’m bound to atleast have hope! Even if things don’t work out.. I will go it alone. I’m determined.. I have faith and while I would truthfully ask my husband to be the father as I try.. I’d never force him.

I love him so much… like PB & J love.. Like Romeo and Juliet… I just don’t know how to explain everything to him.. Ya know? I don’t want to see him run away, but I also know that I deserve someone who truly loves me and won’t leave me at the first hiccup in life… I just don’t know.. Anywho, I’m getting to the point I’m rambling, so I’m going to mosey on and post later (daily atleast as I go through my journey). ❤

Categories
pcos

PCOS

So let’s talk about PCOS… For those who don’t know, PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom. I was diagnosed at age 16, after they tested me from a rape case (long story). That was my first trip to the OBGYN.. talk about memorable!

Anyhow, let’s get with it… PCOS is pretty common, effecting 1 in 10 women. PCOS is linked to infertility, irregular cycles, hormonal imbalances, obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, depression, and even more. Talk about crazy! I have some extra hair on my chin thanks to PCOS and I have to make sure I pluck or shave those bad boys down before I start looking half-man… GEE! So PCOS is linked to many metabolic problems, thyroid issues, and for sure the hormone imbalances. That pretty much covers the basics.. now to get more real.

My PCOS has been the spawn of the devil.. The cramps are terrible, the stress is terrible, I get migraines from hormone imbalances, predicting my ovulation is like trying to predict the weather in Oklahoma. This has led to so many more issues and problems along the wonderful way. I was diagnosed young and told that it would be practically impossible to lose weight and that having a baby would be a struggle.. This will lead us to Part 2.