marriage – The Struggling Woman

Separation

This… this may be the hardest post to talk about.. They always say if you love something to set it free and if it comes back, it’s meant to be… However this this is hard, this has to be the hardest moment I’ve had to deal with…

My husband… he’s my best friend! And now I can’t call him, text him, email him… I’m supposed to just handle it all alone. It hard to not reach out because he’s been my rock, my best friend… it’s like staring at the ice cream and being told to watch it melt and never touch it! Like hellllo I’m a fat kid and I wanna eat that ice cream! I talked to him multiple times a day and now, I just stay silent. I keep the doctor results, the questions, the emotions, the things that have been happening in my life all to myself. So the joy I wanted to share? Nah… The moment I needed to vent? I just scream outside… I couldn’t call him… I couldn’t even ask for him to hold me as I’m bawling…. this this is the hardest thing…

You never realize how much someone is integrated into your life… until the moment they basically aren’t. You don’t realize how much you love their presence, their smell, their voice, or their touch. You don’t think about the everyday impact they have on your emotions or mental well being. It’s truly amazing how much you grow accustomed to and don’t realize that you take for granted until it’s no longer there. As I lie here curled up with my husbands blanket and everyday pillow… just to have his scent, that little piece of something that gives you a hint of their presence or sense of ‘home.’ It’s like that little thing that calms you and gives you the peace to actually rest. Your emotions are just a mess… I mean our wedding song came on the radio and while I couldn’t change the song, my whole composure fell apart… I just broke down…

I apologize for the blog being so raw, so real, and just blunt.. but that’s me and this is just my journey. Something hit me today that I never would have seen coming. I had to go to the house, since I’ve been staying with a friend, and pick up some essentials for the time being of the separation. I sat down on the couch… and lost it… looking around, having a flood of memories and thoughts.. with the back of my mind realization that my whole world is changing and crashing… everything that I love, that I care for is currently in flux. I couldn’t contain the hysterical ugly cry… I’m glad it was just me and the dogs because I couldn’t contain myself… my mind was just bombarded with the thoughts of the recent cruise, the vacations we had taken, the love we had made, the marriage and life we had built… it just hit me like a big yellow school bus. I just showered, grabbed my things, sat down to catch a breath, and left. I could bare to sit there and face the reality… face the fact that there’s a huge possibility that he decides to move on… You know the song by George Strait “Give it Away”.. well it finally all made sense! It was just difficult… it all feels like this terrible nightmare and I’m just stuck… I can’t manage to wake myself up.

So let’s just jump right in… I’ve been with my husband since 2010… We have tried to conceive the natural way, waiting on God’s plan… Yet here we are with no baby 10 years later and a stressed marriage. They say infertility is one of the hardest struggles you’ll ever face in life… They don’t lie. It has been the number one cause of divorces, separations, and endless crying. We have waited patiently watching others have babies and move along, yet here we are… baby-less and depressed… Or maybe that’s just my opinion. Recently, my husband asked to separate until he can analyze what he wants. He wants a biological child (as do I), but you see.. that’s already fallen back on me because I have yet to have a baby… I’ve suffered through the depression, the blame, the heartbreak (because we don’t talk about the negative pregnancy tests), and the emotional toll. It’s not like you want to walk up to your partner and say “sorry babe, I’m a failure.. my body is a failure… I’m trying!” everyday.. Instead you bottle it up, cry yourself to sleep and pray that your partner won’t lose faith in you. The endless nights I didn’t feel intimate because I just told myself how terrible of a wife I am because I’m not pregnant or I was deeply depressed and silently waiting for help. We don’t do those things… we just lay there and cry and pretend we’re not upset. We bear the burden alone, with fear that your partner will run the other way in disappointment.

Welp… I’m there! The separation feels like this gut wrenching, ultimate fuck you you’re def not good enough. Sorry your only one real hope in life was to have a baby.. sucks to be you.

Anywho… what my husband didn’t know before asking for this was that I was talking to a fertility doctor… A 6 month waiting period and my appointment is now just 2 months away! I get poked and prodded tomorrow for preliminary testing and a new doctor recommendation for a guy who specializes with PCOS.. and yeah you had to have a recommendation! I have a 3rd doctor appointment in 2 weeks to really get jiggy with this trying to pregnant and I’m excited… 3 doctors on my case and I’m bound to atleast have hope! Even if things don’t work out.. I will go it alone. I’m determined.. I have faith and while I would truthfully ask my husband to be the father as I try.. I’d never force him.

I love him so much… like PB & J love.. Like Romeo and Juliet… I just don’t know how to explain everything to him.. Ya know? I don’t want to see him run away, but I also know that I deserve someone who truly loves me and won’t leave me at the first hiccup in life… I just don’t know.. Anywho, I’m getting to the point I’m rambling, so I’m going to mosey on and post later (daily atleast as I go through my journey). ❤