Separation

This… this may be the hardest post to talk about.. They always say if you love something to set it free and if it comes back, it’s meant to be… However this this is hard, this has to be the hardest moment I’ve had to deal with…

My husband… he’s my best friend! And now I can’t call him, text him, email him… I’m supposed to just handle it all alone. It hard to not reach out because he’s been my rock, my best friend… it’s like staring at the ice cream and being told to watch it melt and never touch it! Like hellllo I’m a fat kid and I wanna eat that ice cream! I talked to him multiple times a day and now, I just stay silent. I keep the doctor results, the questions, the emotions, the things that have been happening in my life all to myself. So the joy I wanted to share? Nah… The moment I needed to vent? I just scream outside… I couldn’t call him… I couldn’t even ask for him to hold me as I’m bawling…. this this is the hardest thing…

You never realize how much someone is integrated into your life… until the moment they basically aren’t. You don’t realize how much you love their presence, their smell, their voice, or their touch. You don’t think about the everyday impact they have on your emotions or mental well being. It’s truly amazing how much you grow accustomed to and don’t realize that you take for granted until it’s no longer there. As I lie here curled up with my husbands blanket and everyday pillow… just to have his scent, that little piece of something that gives you a hint of their presence or sense of ‘home.’ It’s like that little thing that calms you and gives you the peace to actually rest. Your emotions are just a mess… I mean our wedding song came on the radio and while I couldn’t change the song, my whole composure fell apart… I just broke down…

I apologize for the blog being so raw, so real, and just blunt.. but that’s me and this is just my journey. Something hit me today that I never would have seen coming. I had to go to the house, since I’ve been staying with a friend, and pick up some essentials for the time being of the separation. I sat down on the couch… and lost it… looking around, having a flood of memories and thoughts.. with the back of my mind realization that my whole world is changing and crashing… everything that I love, that I care for is currently in flux. I couldn’t contain the hysterical ugly cry… I’m glad it was just me and the dogs because I couldn’t contain myself… my mind was just bombarded with the thoughts of the recent cruise, the vacations we had taken, the love we had made, the marriage and life we had built… it just hit me like a big yellow school bus. I just showered, grabbed my things, sat down to catch a breath, and left. I could bare to sit there and face the reality… face the fact that there’s a huge possibility that he decides to move on… You know the song by George Strait “Give it Away”.. well it finally all made sense! It was just difficult… it all feels like this terrible nightmare and I’m just stuck… I can’t manage to wake myself up.