I’m staying with a friend and it’s so quiet I don’t even know how to feel. I’ve never felt so alone here in this moment and realizing all the rollercoaster track I’ve yet to ride. I haven’t slept in a day and a half.. and I’m just wide awake and full of emotion. For the first time, I can’t even cook myself dinner, I can’t manage to eat… I can’t even look at food truthfully. My whole life just feels in turmoil. Thankfully, I had a friend call me, talk to me for hours so I wouldn’t feel alone.. I couldn’t even tell you what all we talked about, but I know it was nice to just have someone listen and not judge me. As I realize my contacts are still at the house because I rushed out… josh lets me know he’s at the house. I just have to keep my composure… I just need to stick with the mission.
I get to the house and cry a little as I pull in… I open the door and my dogs just smile and greet me, I swear they understand… I grab my contacts and shoes and josh talks to me… oh the overwhelming emotion of him talking.. I just lose myself. I find myself, my body, just wanting to whisk him away and go back to normal. I just find my whole being begging for his touch. We kiss and I get chills, I still get those fluttering butterflies… and I feel my heart just reminding me of everything and all my love for him. I just got lost… everything is a blur… but I overstepped the boundary because I just wanted him to hold me more… to tell me he loves me and things are going to really be ok… but I still feel his pushing away. It’s so hard to leave when everything you want is just right in front of you.. I mean he just touches me and I feel the chills, my body yearning for more…. I feel home… I feel safe… but the time ends and I just try to stay strong… all I can think about is “don’t cry, don’t let his see how much you’re broken.” Yet the walk to the car was the longest and I cried the entire way.
This whole situation is hard… it’s tough to deal with… emotionally, physically, mentally… Is there a rewind button ?
Back to the quiet house I go… the house where I literally sit and just think… I get to be alone with myself, my emotions, my thoughts. I finally take medicine, breathe, and lie down… I don’t even remember falling asleep but it felt so good.. one minute I’m responding to texts, looking through my photos, and the next I’m in a dream state and a friend calls me just to check on me and tell me that I need to stay positive. The whole conversation is like a dream though, it’s weird… and then the weird things started… I must have fallen back asleep… because I started a dream… I was in Florida… walking the beach, walking this pier.. and a man, dressed in black, comes to me. He hugs me and tells me things, explains it’s all for love, and pushes me off the long pier into the choppy water. Instant blackness… when I snap awake, I was paralyzed, screaming murder, and didn’t know where I was… panic attack! This is the 3rd panic attack I’ve had in my lifetime… I was paralyzed… I laid there trying so hard to get my composure and just comprehend what was happening. I had meant to text my sister and instead reached for Josh.., why do I keep breaking these rules if separation?! I just am terrible at this! All I want to do is see him run into the room hold me and tell me I’m ok… but instead… I get a pillow.. I curl up and just hold myself and rock myself in bed. This being alone isn’t easy… these dreams come back, varying slightly; but all with the same result of blackness and end with a panic attack… it’s 3 AM and I’ve had 3 just tonight since 10 PM. They can just go away now please….
This has to be one of the toughest nights I’ve faced thus far… I am just over this… hopefully the next few nights are calmer…
L
The Struggling Woman 