So let’s just jump right in… I’ve been with my husband since 2010… We have tried to conceive the natural way, waiting on God’s plan… Yet here we are with no baby 10 years later and a stressed marriage. They say infertility is one of the hardest struggles you’ll ever face in life… They don’t lie. It has been the number one cause of divorces, separations, and endless crying. We have waited patiently watching others have babies and move along, yet here we are… baby-less and depressed… Or maybe that’s just my opinion. Recently, my husband asked to separate until he can analyze what he wants. He wants a biological child (as do I), but you see.. that’s already fallen back on me because I have yet to have a baby… I’ve suffered through the depression, the blame, the heartbreak (because we don’t talk about the negative pregnancy tests), and the emotional toll. It’s not like you want to walk up to your partner and say “sorry babe, I’m a failure.. my body is a failure… I’m trying!” everyday.. Instead you bottle it up, cry yourself to sleep and pray that your partner won’t lose faith in you. The endless nights I didn’t feel intimate because I just told myself how terrible of a wife I am because I’m not pregnant or I was deeply depressed and silently waiting for help. We don’t do those things… we just lay there and cry and pretend we’re not upset. We bear the burden alone, with fear that your partner will run the other way in disappointment.
Welp… I’m there! The separation feels like this gut wrenching, ultimate fuck you you’re def not good enough. Sorry your only one real hope in life was to have a baby.. sucks to be you.
Anywho… what my husband didn’t know before asking for this was that I was talking to a fertility doctor… A 6 month waiting period and my appointment is now just 2 months away! I get poked and prodded tomorrow for preliminary testing and a new doctor recommendation for a guy who specializes with PCOS.. and yeah you had to have a recommendation! I have a 3rd doctor appointment in 2 weeks to really get jiggy with this trying to pregnant and I’m excited… 3 doctors on my case and I’m bound to atleast have hope! Even if things don’t work out.. I will go it alone. I’m determined.. I have faith and while I would truthfully ask my husband to be the father as I try.. I’d never force him.
I love him so much… like PB & J love.. Like Romeo and Juliet… I just don’t know how to explain everything to him.. Ya know? I don’t want to see him run away, but I also know that I deserve someone who truly loves me and won’t leave me at the first hiccup in life… I just don’t know.. Anywho, I’m getting to the point I’m rambling, so I’m going to mosey on and post later (daily atleast as I go through my journey). ❤
The Struggling Woman 